The last month has been a challenging one, bringing me to my knees in ways that are new and somewhat unsettling. More lessons to learn and codes that still need to anchor in. Turns out this has been by far one of the most challenging parts. Sitting with a type of restlessness that makes your whole body vibrate.
It's something that I didn't realize I struggled with until recently. I can hear the quiet whisper of my intuition reminding me that now is about being not doing. To which my response is to roll my eyes.
"Patience, faith, and surrender."
But I am resting, or I thought I was. Turns out Netflix and workouts were just repressing the emotions. Keeping them locked away.
That has been what I refer to as, the collective pause. The space between the breath. One where we are unsure what lies ahead. Trepidation and behind that deep grief and anger. The whole world feeling the impacts of what it means to have the floor ripped out from under them.
It's not an easy thing to navigate. I expect even more so when you don't see the behind the scenes activities and understand what living in an imprisoned planet truly means. That's okay, we all have our own paths. This is the year that I am owning mine.
Learning to let go and trust that God will catch me. A lesson in both humility and faith.
2021 started off much of the same as 2020. The dense energy creeping in like smoke from a wild fire. It meant there wasn't much time to catch our breaths. Exhausted and weary from the last few month of the year. The amount of growth that happened in such a short time left me feeling heavy and foggy. My human self was crashing hard.
This added fuel to the fire and helped bring old wounds of worthiness bubbling up to the surface. Feeling a bit out of the loop and a newbie in the understanding of quantum healing. Once again I have witnessed how I try to cram myself into boxes. Trying to be all the things-know all the things.
For maybe then I will be enough-worthy of acceptance and part of the crowd. These old stories that are slowly being snuffed out, but every so often the dark mother finds her way into my field. Picking away at my fears and playing up the good girl programming. Convincing me that no one really cares-total BS but outside validation is a sneaky beast that I am still working to unplug from.
Over the last couple weeks the energy has been intensifying into this knot of overwhelm and a deep need to run. So afraid of being trapped and locked away from the world. Which is curious as I spent so many years doing that to myself.
It's truly been a reminder that no matter how ready we think we are the Holy Mother/Holy Father will share when it's the time. Annoyingly frustrating but I trust there is a method to the madness. This time that meant sitting with my discomfort in a different way. Letting the anger and burn away a deep layer of inverted masculine energy.
Old resentments and emotions from not only childhood but lifetimes ago. The deep fear that my voice would be silenced and I best just be the good girl who follows the rules. Flashes of old memories brought me back to my inner child. Afraid and unsure. These are the things that the dark mother/angry father feed off.
It has helped me remember, witness and hold space for the small child who felt so lonely. Unsure of how she could ever fit into a world that felt so cruel. Walking this journey and leaning into the experiences I've had were exactly what I needed.
Sometimes the downloads come in the most curious ways. Today it consisted of an epic cry on on a yoga mat, followed by stillness. Not particularly beautiful or earth shattering but my soul needed to break up the stuck energy in my solar plexus.
Yet it was something that I needed so deeply. It helped to crack open the walls that I put up to keep out the divine masculine. Afraid that if I let it in then I'd have to truly surrender. That's not an easy task, to let your soul be exposed.
It's something that I even hide from myself. Downplaying my worthiness and letting the fear of being rejected take over. Too lost in my own false stories to think that I am able to sit at the round table as an equal.
Somehow something broke through. Whatever was needed to be released was ready to fall away. It helped me to realize that it's okay.
It's okay to be learning. After all we are humans. That's the point of this journey.
My work isn't to share soul shaking downloads, at least not now. Honestly that's the ego talking aways. Besides how could I do that and mother? I feel and notice the subtle shifts, the nuances and tiny details that often seem insignificant. Holding hands with those on the beginning of their journeys.
Witnessing and mothering the inner children of the world and thus helping to repair our connection to both our ancestors and linage. It's taken a long time to figure out that this work is good enough. Dropping out old timelines connected to the witches and inverted religious teachings. Programs that told me that work was wrong.
Now I see why the road has looked so foggy for the last month. Mother Father God needed me to walk this path and continue to do so as I share with others. Really dig in and sit with some core wounds so that I could anchor in more gnosis.
The healing is the work and the work is healing. So then we can show up and serve. Embody the Christos Sophia wholly.
Thus anchoring in the codes of the mother back into earth.