Abundance and our relationship to receiving (money included) has many layers, I feel it's important to address from the lens of your inner child. A lot of our money fears/abundance templates can be tied to our childhood and whether or not they felt worthy or safe. Also thrown in the mix are the inherited fears/timelines from ancestral and past lives that also influence these wounds. For this particular scenario I feel sharing my story will be helpful to express how it can show up.
Money has long been something that I have struggled with in my adult life. It is curious given the fact I grew up in pretty typical middle class family. Both my parents worked for the government (health care and corrections). We got to go on vacations and always had food in the home.
By all appearance we were secure. Yet I had two very different approaches to money being thrown around. My dad had the thought of "earn it and burn it' or "it's only money, you can't take it with you" and finally the one that he probably is getting a kick out of now "I'm worth more dead."
Whereas my mum was a saver. One that budgeted and looked for sales. Clearly influenced from her parent's and their experiences growing up in England during WWII and post war life in the UK. There wasn't much and it wasn't uncommon for people to go without.
In my experience a lot of what the abundance fears I was carrying were inherited. My dad had a lot of trauma in his childhood and my mum experienced some big life changes as a kid. Being an extremely sensitive kid I had a habit of internalizing EVERYTHING. I was the good girl and didn't ever want to do anything to rock the boat. So if a family commented on my spending choices or made fun of how much I paid for a certain thing I'd feel like shit (which wasn't their fault).
"Oh that's too expensive."
"You spent what to get your hair done?"
I distinctly remember feeling shame and embarrassment when my grandparents would ask me how much I spent on a particular item as a teen. Even now if I buy something that others deem "expensive" I feel that sensation in my gut. This voice whispering that I am not worthy of having it or feeling judged because I have money. (this will be an important part of the story later).
As I got older things changed. Being an adult and a young married mum the reality of what it meant to pay bills and survive off of one income set in. There were many nights I spend crying in panic mode because I didn't know how we'd pay our bills.
Yet somehow we always made it out of those hard situations. Turns out my husband was right- "it will be okay, we will figure it out." Meanwhile my ego was screaming "the fuck we will, just wait next week everything will be gone." (My ego can be a touch dramatic)
This fear also lead my down the path of false abundance/law of attraction. You know what I'm talking about "think yourself rich" "believe you have it and it will appear." So I bought into the BS for a bit, paid a stupid amount of money for a coach who by aligning my chakra would make me into a boss bitch.
A month into the course my dad died and I left that program feeling shitty and full of shame. However I did learn that I was tired of letting others tell me that I wasn't "thinking big enough" or shouldn't bother connecting with a person if they weren't going to be a client.
It's easy to see how these courses pull people in. They play on our deepest fears, worthiness. It sounds all shiny and like a dream. Freedom and unlimited abundance, but at what cost? Not to mention the spiritual bypassing is ridiculous.
It's taken me the good part of 2020 and 2021 to really heal this wound with worthiness and abundance. There will likely be more layers bubbling up to be released as I continue my journey. That is important to remember. We can think we have moved through and healed something only to be hit out of the blue with a situation that brings it back up.
Initiations are not always the most beautiful experiences but they do lend the container for growth. You get the opportunity to put your knowledge into practice.
This year required me to be get really honest about my why and what was driving my fear of unworthiness and abundance.
AM I SHOWING UP IN TRUE SERVICE?
I AM SHOWING BECAUSE I WANT SOMETHING OUT OF THE EXCHANGE?
That's a pretty humbling question to ask yourself. It took me a bit to be fully honest. For the longest time I wasn't in service. It was about my needs. While this can be a very fine balance as we DO need money to survive in this world, when you are coming into a situation with the energy of desperation nothing is going to flow.
I learned that one that hard way. Years of force, looping deep into shame when things didn't work out. Convinced that I was the problem. Now I am able to see through that lie. (This is how false light can slink into the mix.)
For me money has never really been about stuff. I could care less about designer clothes or fancy cars. Honestly after last year I just want a big acreage where my friends and family can create our own little community. What I have always been chasing is the false sense security having money brings to me. At the core I want to be able to provide for my family and felt a lot of resistance to having to rely on my husband to be the income earner.
As I mentioned before we've had some massive lows and some big highs. Yet even when we had what I'd quantify as "a lot" of money I was still afraid that it would disappear. Looking back I can see how that was a major sign that it was never about money.
What I have learned is that I need to constantly be checking in with myself. So that I am coming from a place of surrender and faith. Let go of the charge that money has tried to hold over me. It just is. Right now it's necessary and how we exchange our services.
When I do my best to embody the consciousness of the Christos Sophia in the work and service I do things change. The energy around abundance is different. There is no longer a fear that I won't be provided for. Within my heart there is simply a deep knowingness that it will be okay.
Mother/Father God will hold me and keep me safe.