Updated: Jan 18
Truth be told Octobers have always been a tough month for me. This one has been by far the most challenging. On the one hand the crisp cool air and darker nights are a welcome transition from the heat of summer. Bubbling behind the surface of the multicoloured leaves is a deep sense of unease. One that I have struggled for years to put my finger on. There was simply something about the smell of the air that would trigger a physical reaction of anxiety. That in of itself sounds like a strange concept.
How on earth could the smell of wind make you anxious? It’s the same way you are swept back to another time when you hear a song or see a long lost friend. Even if our conscious mind doesn’t remember our soul does.
Old timelines of war, poverty, destruction are showing up for the collective. Ancestral traumas from years passed but yet feel all too raw right now.
This is something that I feel many of us are navigating right now. Old wounds are rising up, many of which don’t make sense. Challenging our self worth and really amplifying our fears of being rejected by others. Wherever you stand on issues, it doesn’t matter. I think we can all agree we feel bruised, exhausted and unsteady. The illusion of control we had stripped away. That’s a hard pill to swallow and I wholly understand that.
The constant bombardment of negative messages in the media is a lot to take. As humans living in a constant state of fight/flight/freeze isn’t sustainable. There’s no denying this is adding to the decline in mental health. Truthfully I don’t feel it was on solid ground to begin with. We exist in a world that keeps us fuelled by seeking outside validation. When we don’t get it shame and insecurities can hid hard.
At the core of it, our inner child is crying. They are afraid and need space to process their emotions. This kind of work requires us to really learn how to sit with our triggers. Hold space and observe what is happening around us.
We are allowed to have days or weeks that feel heavy. Ones where it’s harder to keep the faith and keep moving forward. It’s a dance between rest and action. Mothering ourselves and then letting the father keep us in check as we step out of the darkness.
I recognize that this kind inner work doesn’t always feel accessible or possible. Talk therapy can be a great tool but again, not always a feasible option. Sometimes it can feel like deep healing is a privilege which isn’t right.
That no matter how loud you scream no one ever notices. How many times have we been told to “reach out if you are having a hard time?”
Only to be met with silence or told that you just need to change your perspective. While shifting out of the harmful thoughts is necessary, in those darkest moments it doesn’t feel like a possibility.
For those who are struggling. I see you.
For those who feel like it’s impossible to ever be happy. I understand how that feels.
For those who feel like the outsider. I’ll be there to listen.
If I learned anything in 2020 it was this, lead with love. Compassion and empathy are a superpower and truly holding space for yourself and others is a profound gift.