This new decade feels different on so many levels.
In the early years of my life I never really put much stock into end of year reflections. Too busy just going through the motions to pay attention to the subtle energies that each month brought. Slowly as I began my journey inward I began to notice how each year brought it’s own theme. Most notable the last few years have been full of so much learning. They have been humbling and challenging in unique ways.
2019 was the one that I never saw coming. The early months started out very heavy as I was in the middle of my dark night of the soul. Stuck in a deep unlearning phase and full of so many uncomfortable emotions. Searching for understanding and doing some major healing and shadow work integration. I felt very much out of my body and generally unsteady with myself.
This lead me to seek out many forms of therapy. In all honesty I think I was looking for something else to fix me, tell me that I was enough. That never happened- What I did discover was many amazing forms of healing. They helped me unlearn and release stuck emotions and understand that it’s okay to feel whatever I feel. EFT, Faster EFT and bioenergetic healing were my life lines during this time. They have allowed me to process memories that I didn’t even know were still in my body. In between the heaviness there were some stand out moments that woke up my soul.
Visiting Ireland and Scotland once again was so magical. It was a powerful experience that brought up a lot unsteadiness. It was the catalyst to another level of healing. The trip wasn’t without challenge. Anxiety was at an all time high and I was really struggling to keep it all together in another country. Physically I wasn’t feel well-there was no stand out illness or indication that things were amiss. It was just a general sense of dis’ease within my self and body.
July 4th everything stood still. My mum called to tell me my dad had died, even now typing these words it feels unnatural. How is it possible that my dad isn’t coming home from vacation? Summer was supposed to be the time that make shit happen. Instead it felt like my world had been turned upside. Every emotion that I had kept in my body had been shaken up to the surface. It challenged me in ways that I didn’t know was possible.
Everything was different. Which is no surprise given the fact that I was different. I didn’t have the words to express that I just needed to be held as I tried to find my footing again. I needed to relearn how to be a wife, mother, friend, and most importantly myself. Throughout all of this I started to hear a quiet whisper of my soul. Somehow I was now in the place to receive what she wanted to share. I discovered how important it was to share my story. To speak on the darker parts of life. Grief and death are experiences that most people don’t know how to hold. I came to understand all the ways that I was keeping myself guarded and in my mind-“safe.” What if I showed who I was and I was rejected by those that I love? The constant worry that I wasn’t enough or that others wouldn’t like the real me was brought up to the surface. Old memories of childhood fears and situations finally made sense. I understood that so much of my need to be accepted and be “good” stemmed from my Dad. It was HIS childhood trauma that I was holding onto all these years.
July 4 2019 was a defining moment in my life. There’s a clear line between who I was and who I am now. It shattered me into a million pieces but as I slowly started putting myself back together I realized that I was living my life in fear. I didn’t want to admit that I am for lack of a better term, a witch and so connected to the universe. Coming out of the spiritual closet felt scary-honestly sometimes it still is. The generations and lifetimes when it was a death sentence are still held in my body.
My soul needed to embark on the next level of healing. It was a hard pill to swallow that my dad’s journey earth-side was the push for me to get to this place. In way that allowed me some moments of peace that I needed. Understanding that the dark parts of life can be our greatest teacher has been a powerful learning experience. All too often we shy away from those sensations because they feel uncomfortable or are deemed “bad” emotions.
Early grief taught me so much. It was awful, heavy and suffocating. I was so unbelievably angry at the world. It felt like everyone was going on with life while I was frozen in pain. My physical body was exhausted from the constant emotional breakdowns. It was so lonely, honestly I really struggled with some friendships. I needed to know that others were still thinking of me and that my dad wouldn’t be forgotten.
The latter half of 2019 I feel like I am a completely different person. First the first time in a very long time I let myself feel all the emotions that were coming up. The biggest stand out is the confidence. I am finally OWING my power and sharing my story with others. I am helping others understand the power of their shadow self-that is what lights my soul up.
I broke free from old money fears and patterns-finally understanding what the law of attraction has been trying to express. My business finally expanded into what felt in alignment with my heart. I begin to see where I was sleeping and just doing things because “that’s what you do.”
2019 thank you for breaking my heart, you allowed me to become the person that I needed to be. If you feel called to explore your year spend some time journalling on the prompts below. It’s not a contest about who did all the things but rather an opportunity to look at growth. What areas have you gained strength? What areas still need more compassion? Self reflection is a massive tool that can help you navigate all seasons of your life.
5 low points
3 game changers
3 of your biggest lessons