The last few days I’ve been stuck in that in between world when you are half asleep and yet still awake. I feel like Im in this strange state of remembering and forgetting all at once.
It’s a journey that began in 2018 but blew up July 4 2019. Death has a way of ripping our your heart-I think so that you remember that you are in fact still alive.
Unsure of what direction to take I constantly feel like I am being push towards dead ends. Being thrown in the darkness blindly trying to crawl out of the mud. The rumbling in my soul has gotten much louder in the last month.
A sense of restlessness that is hard to express but is always in the background. It’s getting harder to ignore with the state of the world. All the things that I thought were important have be ripped away. My belief system being challenged in ways that I couldn’t imagined. It’s forced so much of the shadow to come bubbling over the surface like a volcano.
In a way it feels akin to early grief. I’m stripped down, raw and vulnerable. Trying to explore this part of my soul and exist in the world has been a difficult concept. One that I am still grappling with. As I unlearn old stories about myself I find it even more confusing. Trying to make sense of who I was and who I am still becoming. That has left my in this strange stage of limbo.
Not unlike what many of us are feeling right now. The state of the world is in a way mirroring many of experiences. There is a collective grief and shadow that is covering us like a fog. Yet slowly I can see it begin to thin, the light is starting to peak through the cracks.
There is so much that I am discovering and I am beginning to see how difficult it is to unplug from some of the old beliefs and programming within our societies. The modern world has brought many advancements but at the price of disconnection. Disconnection from the land and by default our soul-our ancestry holds pieces of who we are today but have forgotten to be.
How many of us find our days filled with endless tasks at a job that we hate. Why did this become the norm? Why is this something that we accept? When did we stop dreaming and believing in magic? That is something that I refuse to give up now. A world without magic doesn’t feel like much a life at all.
Without understanding the shadow self I would have never been able to explore this darkness. At least not in away that didn’t induce fear and shame. It’s opened up my eyes to the power of madness. In order to find ourselves we must loose ourselves. There is the depths of all the mud can we begin to find the pieces of our soul that we gave away.
When we get to the state being completely stripped down and cracked open all the junk that we held onto can begin to fall away. This obvious stirs up a lot of discomfort. It’s hard to not see the way of the dark, we are used to having something tangible that can show us the way. This is where you must surrender. Trust that your soul knows where to go. Follow her lead as she navigates you out of the dark damp cave.
Visiting Ireland and Scotland twice in two years was a massive privilege. To know where my ancestors come from is something that I don’t take lightly. Each trip brought their own teachings. The first one showed me the power of land, that you could hold a deep soul connection to a place that you have never lived. The rocks and ocean are in my DNA-this was the time that my soul started to remember.
Last year my experience was much different but just as profound. I found myself experiencing some really challenging anxiety and felt very much out of my body. So disconnected and afraid about what I would need to let go in order to become who I wanted to be. The trip brought up a lot of the fears to the surface which was the next level in my home coming.
This is a trip hasn’t been in the cards and even if it was the current world climate wouldn’t have allowed it. Yet I can feel the whisper getting louder. My soul is yearning to go back. This time with more knowledge and ready to unlearn and reawaken more.
Nature has become my saviour in the last few weeks. It’s been calling out to me, louder each time. Now I can’t ignore it anymore. There’s something so powerful in the forest. It’s quiet and peaceful yet holds so much power.
Now is the time for us to un-become who we thought we needed to be. Let the shadow come visit and allow the masks to fall away. No need to seek permission, trust that your soul is calling you home.
It’s time to leap darling….