**Disclaimer. This is MY experience with death. I think it is important that we meet each other where we are in our journey.***
Death is something that I have spent the better part of my life avoiding. By some grace we had managed to remain at arms length from each other until my dog's died when I was 12yrs. It was something that I didn't really understand but I remember being so very terrified of death as a child. Worried about all the what ifs afraid that I would be left behind, abandoned- lost in this strange world that what somewhere in between the here and now.
At the core it was fear of the unknown. With this fear in the back of my mind I didn't realize how deeply it influenced my daily life. I wholly believe death is something we fear because our human brain cannot comprehend the transition into the after.
Death is a heavy experience to navigate. No matter how much you make peace with saying goodbye, the finality of not physically seeing a loved one is a hard pill to swallow. For me death blindsided me. I remember getting the call that my dad had died thinking "this is impossible, it's not something I am experiencing in this life."
As I reflect back, I find that response curious as it was vastly different than navigating my grandma's death. My 19yr old brain thought if I didn't acknowledge she was dying somehow it could all be avoided. However in her transition, it was known. We had the opportunity to say our goodbyes and be with her during her final days. That didn't make it easier. I do remember being in the room with her body after she had left and even then I knew her soul was no longer there. A strange feeling to be in the room with the shell of your loved one. Although that lasted for maybe a moment but still 16yrs later it feels just as vivid.
Those early days of grief are very much like living in weird dreamlike limbo. One where you are constantly remembering and forgetting your loved one is gone. With that brought a level of physical exhaustion that is hard to describe. It was the beginning of breaking down all the walls that I built up in this lifetime.
How easily my dad disappeared from the world was such a strange experience. Almost as if he never was here. Even now it's hard to describe what that feels like unless you've lived it. That's the nature of loss. For you it is the biggest earth shattering experience. The world keeps moving and you are screaming in an effort to make time spin backwards.
Summer of 2019 was an awakening for me. One that highlighted all the of the deepest held emotions and fears that I didn't even know I had buried. For me grief was a very powerful healing process. Now this doesn't mean it was a beautiful experience. I assure it was messy as fuck and there were many dark nights of anger with the Godhead (though at the time I didn't call it that).
Grief changes everything. Relationships, how you look at the world, your sense of safety etc. It is important to give yourself grace and compassion as you navigate this process. This is not something that needs to be rushed, though I recognize how uncomfortable it can feel. There were many moments when just wanted to stop feeling. It was too consuming and overwhelming.
Death also brought forth a strange but welcome shift within. One that sparked a lot of deep reflections. The beginning of a new way of living. One where I learned that ignoring my higher self comes at a cost that I no longer can commit to.
Over the last 18 months I have learned a lot about death and grief. 2020 highlighted how much our world is afraid of death. Now this does NOT mean I want people to die. That's somehow a misguided assumption made when people don't shy away from death. Grief is a lonely road to walk some days. It can feel like you are the only one experiencing such deep pain.
Our culture's fear of death means that our approach to grieving is flawed. It is often something that must be done behind closed doors. If you follow the correct steps you will be back to "normal" within a year. For some maybe that's how the journey goes. However, for many others it's a life altering experience that you never "get over."
Death will forever be a defining moment. A pause in time if you will. One where you can see clearly who you used to be and who you are being called to step into.
The reality is our human experience is limited. This concept seems to be very challenging to understand. With the current programs and energies in control our bodies have been disconnected from our angelic blueprints. Life as we know it in this human realm is finite. One thing we all share in common is each one of us will be touched by death in some way.
There are many layers to the process of letting go and surrendering into this fear. Honestly I don't think it is truly possible to comprehend until you are faced with a near death experience. It is something that I am continuing to explore as I build out my connection to the Christos Sophia.
This process is one that takes time and cannot be rushed. It is a practice of wholly surrendering so that I can let myself be held by Mother/Father God. Death is not an ending it is a beginning. A transition to a new phase of existence.
If you feel like exploring this process deeper, I've shared a few journaling prompts.
When was your first memory/experience with death?
Did you feel supported by those around you when you expressed your thoughts on death?
How is fear driving your choices right now?
How does it feel to turn look at death as part of the human experience, rather than trying to outrun it?